Saturday, August 18, 2012

On Nights Like Tonight

So Mommy has had a few drinks and is listening to Matthew Good. Alone in the house with two little boys sleeping, Shaun out with friends.  Blame the wine, blame Matt, but I am feeling sentimental, and I have something to say, interspersed with Matt Good's words.

It feels like time to let it go
It feels like time to break or show

A week from today a good friend and I experienced one of the craziest weekends of our lives.  It locked us together for life.  She will not be named here for her own privacy.  But she knows who she is.  She lost a child, and I delivered one prematurely.  Four years have passed.  But that weekend is as clear as ever in my memory.  Sometimes I still can't believe it is real.

It feels like just another day
Like one more dead town's last parade
Like we're taking pictures of a tidal wave

Aaron turns four on the 24th.  The miracle child I never expected.  The preemie who became the sweetest child I could ever have imagined.  The living, breathing proof that hope is worth it.

Recently a friend of a friend lost a child to a terminal illness.  On Monday she and her children will release balloons into the air in his honour as his memorial service goes on in another place.  I can't be there.  But my heart hurts for them, and I hold my children tight as I offer my own form of prayer for that family.

It feels like time ain't time at all

There is so much to remind me of how blessed I am.  Beyond words, beyond understanding.  As my family faces a difficult time I can only remind myself of what we have.  My two beautiful, miraculous boys.  The husband I could only have made real in my dreams, who is mine in reality.  The family and friends who love us all.

I can only bow my head and let my heart break for the loss of others.  I can't imagine the loss of a child to cancer.  I have miscarried but can't imagine making the heart-rending choice others have faced.

Take me out, lay me down
Let the dirt fall all around me

I won't blame it on Matt Good or wine.  I will try to internalize this understanding, as I send out love and my words, which mean so little in the end, to all who have lost a precious baby, and all who live every day in fear of losing one.

Baby, ain't it good to be back home?

May I never forget how fucking good I have it.

Love to all who have lost.

On nights like tonight, when no one's around
I turn on the record, the record I found
When I was a kid, and the world was a town
And Heartbreaker weren't nothing painful

Just sit tight, and I'll make my way to you
I'll find a way to get to you

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