Let me tell you a secret: I sometimes wonder if I am cut out for this mommy business. Today, as I lugged Aaron in one hand, and the package I was unable to ship due to an equipment malfunction in the other, I watched Nolan take off at a sprint across the parking lot. And even as I chased him, trying desperately not to drop Aaron or anything else, it crossed my mind that maybe it was my fault. I know he is 2 and a half, and kids his age do crazy things like that. But when it's your kid, that nagging voice in the back of your head just kicks in: "You're a bad mommy, you're a bad mommy, if you were a good mommy your child would not be engaging in suicidal parking lot behaviour. You suck."
If you are a mom, you know this feeling. You know the sensation of the eyes of everyone around you judging your parenting skills whenever your child misbehaves in public.
And then, the voice comes out of your mouth. The one that you can't believe is really you, even as you're speaking. It's the one that you have heard from other moms when they lose their cool and you have sworn you will never use.
"Nolan, get back here RIGHT NOW."
It actually worked. I got him in the car, got Aaron in the car, sat there shaking for a moment. Took the package to Shaun and asked him to ship it for me, as there was no way in hell I was going back to the post office. And spent the entire drive to IKEA wondering what I was doing wrong in teaching Nolan that it is NOT ok to run across parking lots. And feeling a bit better by the time I got there.
Only to have Nolan throw himself on the floor in the middle of IKEA and throw a complete tantrum because he didn't want to get in the cart.
Seriously, maybe I'm just not cut out for it. Too late though, really.
Needless to say, I have chosen to drink vodka and blog this evening rather than write my book. Which I did, by the way, start last night. But more on that later, right now I need another drink.